I woke up on the wrong side of the apartment door early in the AM, the lovely smell of bile wafting off my crumb littered clothing. I probably should have been more shocked but, lets face it, it’s the third time this week and I was just happy to have not woken up on the wrong side of the toilet(thats any side). My eyes watered with the pain of the world forcing its way in like a very large, very horny man.
There are few things I hate in this world watch on TV any more but something that really gets me going is the mandatory presence automatically placed on you during someones birthday, even if you didnt know it was today…or even know the birthdee(i know, its dumb but it makes me smile so imma leave it). I’ve been invited to 5 birthday parties in the last 4 days, and I know truely believe in the practicality of converting improper fractions as 5 just doesnt fit into 4 without some major pushing and some strawberry lube. My Head is so fuzzy and spinny that I thought I was Sonic for four Hours last night and stole the gold rings off some fat dude’s hands at the food court in the mall.
I went down to the nearest diner to put some grub in me, as I had blown all of my previously digested food out of the window of a speeding short bus(we stole it for a joke, dont ask). It was during the shiver of my second bite of beagle that I realized my keys were no longer as securely attached to my belt loop as say my car was securely wrapped around that pole across the street, and not nearly as securely fastened as the poodle in the driver’s seat. I quickly forgot about the dog (cuz I didnt want to think about whose it was or how it got there) and reached for my phone to tell my boss i was going to be a little late. He was not happy.
Once my ass stopped bleeding from the threats my boss poured thru the phone I calmed down and went ahead and puked up what little I was able to force down earlier just before getting light-headed and passing out in a booth adjacent to a creepy old man sighing to “kids say the darndest things”. It took me a good hour to get the office were I proceeded to dodge my editor and fall asleep under my desk, where I keep a small cache of liquor and snacks as well as a office-camouflaged blanket(it looks like a pile of crumpled papers).
And thats where you came in and I sent this post out. Sure looking back on it I probably should have just said “hey there wont be posts today cuz im hung over”, it would have been faster and I wouldnt have alerted my editor to my sleeping on company time by forwarding this to him. But im just not that smart, and care very little considering the amount of pain my body is in from wrestling all them monkeys at the Zoo. If there is anything that i can take home from this it’s that i will never again attend my buddies 3-year-old kid’s birthday party again.