I am the direct result of too much awesomeness in one place. Chuck Norris and Mr T both went to the same martial arts expo and the building (along with all the other attendees) imploded. When the smoke cleared, all that remained was a giant crater with me at the bottom. I was born into this world fully grown, naked, and perfect – and yes, I have a fist hidden under my pubic hair.
My first Pulitzer Prize was won with my book of memoirs from one of my past lives – the one in which I was a duck-billed platypus living in a commune at the North Pole. I am proud to say that I hunted, killed, and ate Santa Claus and all of his elves – Yes, that’s right: I am the reason you now have to lie to your children about his existence. Since then, I have won four more (all under pseudonyms and pen-names – to give all you peasants a fair shot at it), and now refuse to take their phone calls or read their letters, as there is simply no thrill in it anymore… Just too easy to win.
I spent two years perfecting my recipe for an upside-down, inside-out, deconstructed strawberry cheesecake – which came in second only to CatastroFUCK’s (I knew I should have put more Arsenic in his batter – damn it!!). My phase of the free-for-all was won purely by mischief and mayhem. I took out 3 opponents at once by making an explosive acid-filled flash drive labelled “lol cats”. The final battle was won when I roundhouse kicked my enemy so hard that his head detached from his body and his spinal cord bounced down the stairs like a slinky.
All my research is done by enslaved midgets. I was given them as a bribe to prevent an expose I wrote from being published. I had gone undercover into a factory where these little guys were exploited in a way that was both cruel and hilarious. I will never forget the owner. He always wore a silly purple hat, and his name started with a “W”… on second thought, perhaps it was it a “Q”? Anyway, he had an amazingly creative sadistic side and I didn’t really want to expose him and waste his talent. If not for the fact that he had a horrible underbite, I probably would have married him, but I just couldn’t bring myself to fuck someone with an orc-face… Not without a bag over his head, anyway. I mean, really, could you?
“What can I say? I’m made of awesomesauce. Nobody will ever defeat me at cube warfare.”