Do you have something that happens to you on a more than frequent level that just securely grabs you by the groin and squeezes till your pissed in the face. Yeah I have a whole bunch too, one of those happens to be when a waitress walks up to ask me if everything is alright. “What kind of depraved anti-social bastard are you to complain about a considerate waitress?”. Answer: the best kind. But let me clarify it’s not the action performed that infuriates me, it’s the timing of said action. The choice moment these wonderfully caring workers decide to approach you is Invariably the apex of the consumption cycle, the second to third chomp after you take a serving of your meal. It’s like a relentless assault on my patience. Sure it seems a bit overplayed to you right now but think about it in copious repetition. Example: you have a beautiful child, oh it’s so cute with its endless hunger that only pauses for its unlimited shitting ability. Well after months of trying to get it to say mommy or daddy, you finally come to the heart warming end where the child says it. it’s wonderful and everybody laughs and cheers and dances into the sun, or some shit like that. Now fast forward three years down the line to your devil spawn mid spittle trying to get your attention by saying that same “glorious” word Seventy times over. You get annoyed and go into blind fits of rage ending in a cloud of piss, shit and blood so thick Bill Cosby has a pudding orgy in it.
Thankfully I do not have children and thusly am not in prison for what ever the -cide is for killing of an entire age group. But my point is still valid, you can see how infuriating this can be and it happens to me every time. It was like they had the most useless and annoying sixth sense in the world and it only worked on me. However I just recently learned that this blood boiling act is something that some waitresses actually strive for, because they apparently love to have my butter knife lodged in their septum. They literally wait till your mouth is in prime position to NOT answer a question to flank you with niceties and manners. This is all in hopes that if there is actually anything amiss, the dark and dusty section of your brain that contains common courtesy and etiquette will kick in preventing you from buckshotting a mouth full of food in the attempt to say “my steak is a little too done”. They do all this death taunting…just because it could save them a trip to the kitchen and a few apologies.
Well I for one have had enough and the next time I’m in a fuckin restaurant and have the enjoyment of mashing food with my teeth interrupted, I will not only kill the waiter/ess but I will do it in the most elaborate and humiliating way possible. They will be more ashamed in one pivotal moment of their lives than all of their teenage angst years combined, they will not only beg for the death by breadstick that inevitably comes but they will plea to erase all record of the incident as to not sentence their family name to an eternity of ridicule and just torture. But dont let me have all the fun, I suggest that you do it too!